Make It Five (Pt. 1): The Toronto Maple Leafs

Earlier this month I blogged about the “Make It Seven” gimmick perpetrated by Jim Basillie and pledged to counter it with my own “Make It Five” campaign. Starting this week, I will outline why it would actually make more sense to move more of the Canadian teams into the United States. We will begin by outlining the reasons why the Toronto Maple Leafs are the most plausible choice to be relocated.

The Toronto Make Me Laughs are considered to be the most storied franchise in hockey history. Just ask their fans, the Leaf Nation. If they believe that Toronto still deserves an NHL hockey team, they may want to consider calling themselves “Disbelief Nation”. Most of Toronto’s glory years -- no ALL of Toronto’s glory years -- occurred prior to the 1967 league expansion that diluted the talent pool. The last time the Leafs won the Cup, people were listening to games on transistor radios or watching on black and white television! Man had not stepped foot on the moon, phones had cords, milk was delivered in glass bottles, and the computer you are reading this on would have been the size of a two car garage!

After making their last Stanley Cup Finals appearance in 1967 and with the league doubling in size from 6 to 12 teams, the Leafs had some of their best seasons in the early 1970’s. Following that came a fork in the road where expectations and reality went opposite directions for 20 years. The last notable mention of the “Maple Leafs” and “Stanley Cup Finals” in the same sentence occurred in 1993 when Wayne Gretzky’s hat-trick meant that, “The Toronto Maple Leafs won’t be going to the Stanley Cup Finals.”

Having not made the playoffs since the 2003-04 season, what have they done to address this situation? They hired Brian Burke as GM., an AMERICAN! The fact of the matter is that the Toronto Maple Leafs are an embarrassment to the country where hockey was born! They should not be relocated from Canada, they should be chased out by an angry mob! What city knows angry mobs better than Birmingham, Alabama (Detroit & LA already have teams)? The silver maple is actually the Alabama State Tree, only there is a noose hanging from it.


With hockey’s successful expansion into the southern United States (thanks to Mike Modano and the Dallas Stars), now is the perfect time to move the Maple Leafs from the capital of Canada to the capital of the South: Alabama.

I would then put the new ALABAMA MAPLE LEAFS in the Southeast Division with such stiff competition as the Carolina Hurricanes, Tampa Bay Lightning, Washington Capitals, and Florida Panthers.

Don’t laugh! Each of these teams have more Stanley Cup Finals appearances in the last 40 years than Toronto. Even the lowly Atlanta Thrashers have been to the playoffs since the lockout, a feat unmatched by the historic franchise from Toronto.

Makes perfect sense to me! Make it happen! Make it five!

JK

Make It Five!

Recently Jim "Bullet-Head" Balsillie (pronounced: bahls-SILLY) attempted to move the Phoenix Coyotes to Canada. The trillionaire blackberry farmer had planned to purchase the most successful NHL team in Arizona history and move it to Hamilton, a suburb of Buffalo. In grand marketing fashion Ballsilly even came up with a catchy slogan for his grand scheme of cashing in on the weak exchange rate, "Make It Seven" (MI7). No, this does not refer to how many trillions he has in the bank, but to bringing a seventh team to the salmon rich American colony to the north. The MI7 campaign was appealing to all of the providences of Canada! I mean, Canada is basically the birthplace of the sport (and by ‘birthplace’ I mean brought over from Scotland in the form of shinty)!

"Make It Seven"-day took place on June 19th in Hamilton. Unfortunately, Ballsilly could not make it to the rally that he organized, and apparently neither could 300 people. It doesn’t take a zillionaire to produce such a lack of success, I have decided I can match it! The MI7 rally has spurred me on to doing what I do best, steal and idea and make it better! Over the next several weeks I will be kicking off the online campaign on my blog as well as contacting NHL Commissar Gary Bentman regarding a renewed push to grow the sport (in the country that financially supports the league) by relocating one of the Canadian teams to a deserving city here in the United States!

MAKE IT 5!

Next week: Why the Leafs should be moved to Birmingham, Alabama!

New Thrasers Commercial & Fan Protest

A fan has started a grass roots protest against the Atlanta Spirit. Look for a mention at ajc.com on Monday March 2nd. Remember to bag your faces for the March 6th game vs. Montreal. An example bag is at the end of this clip:

I am watching the Pens beat the Thrashers tonight

I was going to post answers to my Male Bag, but all I got were 200 messages from Mona flodding my inbox.

The AJC’s hockey writer Mark Knoble is stealing my spotlight. He’s taken over the position of polluting the internets with meaningless hockey talk. This guy couldn’t cover the GA Tech football team, and he hasn’t improved much with the move to hockey. His last several stories have consisted of Byron Little getting an apartment, Kovy not willing to be a leader, and Jasons William playing music in the locker room. If these are the stories making the paper, I wonder what ideas he ISN’T using….

Speaking of Byron Little, why come we have him playing winger? I think he was a center and haven’t the Thrashers been somewhat weak in that position lately? And by lately I mean the last 9 years. This team has yet to draft and develop a skilled center.

I saw Eric Christiansen today. He was on the side of Harry’s milk carton. Apparently he has been missing since being traded to the Thrashers last season. How long does a slump have to be before you just consider the player untalented? How many chances does this guy get when the team has players like Brent Stirling who is a top AHLer and seems to get a fair shake?

Better Later Than Ever!

It's my season preview.
You Tube won't let me put it up.

Sockey On Hockey: 2009 Season Opener.

Who's the colored guy with Kamal?

Hello Thrasher Fan.

I am out of jail now, no thanks to my attorney. It did push back my schedule as far as submitting my demo tape to become the new arena announcer, but after a chance meating with Jafee, I was able to secure Kamal’s home address and swung by his Dunwoody digs to have a chat. Of course he did not know I was wearing a wire and was able to get a little bit more information about the Boobland Blogger.

Chatting with Kamal

Harry Pohl's Announcer Demo/JK Sockey in Court

I have to keep this short.  I am getting a job.  I need $450 and fast.  I will have to work on MY announcer demo.

Here is Harry Pohl's Announcer Demo and Gordon Lightfoot Hat-Trick defending me in court against the Blueland Booger.

Then Steve Creig, Now Turner Brown.

Hello fan,
I am not sure if you have heard that the Thrashers have lost PA announcer Steve Craig to the NY Islanders. Members of the Sockey On Hockey staff have been submitting thier own audition demos to the team.
Click on that link to hear our own Turner Brown.
Be careful he swears a lots.

Feel free to let us know what you think.
Don't be a Kincade, sign your comments!

Stuff a sock in it!
JK

Define "big splash".

Don Waddle promised to make a big splash in free agency this off-season. Well at teh end of day two of the UFA signing period, we have Ron Hainsey!

Who?

Exactly.

Ben at the Booland Blog had this to say about Atlanta’s big (and ONLY) free agent signing:
"Hainsey had 8 goals last year and 9 the year before. Our franchise record for goals in a season by a defenseman is 10. With Hainsey going from the defensively tight West to the more free-flowing East he could break that mark if he continues to play as well as he did in Columbus. Hainsey played on Columbus' top pair and averaged 22:33 of ice-time per game in 2007-08.

It's way too early to start predicting lineups, but if John Anderson wants to keep Enstrom and Havelid together next season I could see Bogosian and Hainsey being a quality 1B pairing.

What do you think?"

I think you are a dickbag. Do you even watch hockey or are you too busy chatting online with Chad Denny? He’s moving from the “defensively tight West to the more free-flowing East”? You may want to turn a few tricks and invest in Center Ice.
This signing really shows what a sad state the team is in. The Thrashers have to pay$4.5 million to get a second rate player to leave the BlueJackets. Am I really supposed to believe that he was even on the team’s radar before noon today? Meanwhile the Penguins re-sign Brooks Orpik for 6 years at $3.75 per year. Nobody in Atlanta wants either of these guys, but who would you rather have?

Free Agent Extravaganza!

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