SOCKEY ON HOCKEY

Like John Kincade, only I know what the fuck I'm talking about!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

My Pre-season All-Star Sockey Team™

Current mood: Tickled
Current tunes: The Star Song (Bowling For Soup)

With opening night in the new NHL only days away, I thought I would take this opportunity to put together the official Nancy Of The Net Pre-season All-Star Sockey Team™. I’ve put together a few different teams and before I introduce them in an absolutely faaaabulous ceremony, I will do my best to outline the criteria for making each team.

Daas iis guude, ya?
Back in the good ol’ days, when I was a still hanging in the menswear department, I used to dream of being a knight in King Arthur’s court. These days, I’d like to believe that if I was ever lucky enough to have a queen touch me on the shoulder with his scepter I would certainly, “Arise, Sergei!” With that in mind, here is my Pre-season All-Sergei Sockey Team™:
Forwards:


Sergei Samsonov – Sergei Fedorov - Sergei Brylin

Defensemens:


Sergei Gonchar & Sergei Zubov

Goaltender:

Ed Belfour


Get Out!
These players have been banned for life from any further discussion and will not be seen or heard from here at J.K. Sockey.com for obvious reasons.
Karl Dykhuis and Butch Goring

At Temple, the dykhuis was ΣΦØ and butch goring would get you a black eye from a lesbian and night in the pokey. Not much to say here other than good riddance.


Hall Of Flamers
These next gentlemen will forever be enshrined in the Nancy Of The Net Hall Of Fame™ for more than just their contributions to the sport.
Jim Cummins and Rob Ramage

One sported one of the hottest porn star mustaches ever while playing in my hometown of Philadelphia, the other hosted an out of this world Turner Cup party in my adopted hometown of Atlanta.

Sooo Close!
The following players are on the cusp of superstardom, greatness, or have some other quality that I find irresistible in some form or fashion. While not yet considered the cream of the crop, the upcoming season may push them over the edge and on to great things. These men all receive a 2005 Nancy Of The Net™ Pre-season Honorable Mention.


Goalie:
Atlanta Thrashers' Kari Lehtonen

I say, “Kari, let ME in!”

Forwards:
Montreal Canadiens' Radek Bonk

*titter* I just said 'BONK'!

Dallas Stars' Jason Arnott

ARE too!

Vancouver Canucks' Sylvain Blouin

If the game involves a Blouin, JK Sockey is a goin’!

Nashville Predators' Jordin Tootoo

Tootoo yummy!

Defensemens:
Edmonton Oilers' Alexei Semenov

I prefer SemenON

Columbus Blue Jackets' Adam Foote

Every sockey needs a foote
-or-
That’s the worst beard ever!

St. Louis Blues' Barrett Jackman

What do I have in common with Jeff Gordon?
We both love our jackman.

Your Official Nancy Of The Net 2005 Pre-season All-Star Sockey Team™!!
I've wasted enough time already, time to get right to it...

Starting In Goal
Jose Theodore - Montreal Canadiens

Does he think that because he has ties to the French-Canadian
Mafia (allegedly) that J.K. Sockey won’t make fun of him??
Well, he’s right!

Forwards:
Mike Modano – Dallas Stars

What do women say to Mike Modano at the beach?
“Get out of my son!”

Eric Lindros – Toronto Maple Leafs

Big E is an understatement!

Michael Peca - Edmonton Oilers

Nice playoff beard…

Defensemens:
Dick Tarnstrom - Pittsburgh Penguins

If Dick Tarnstrom’s a question, the answer is YES!


Brad Bombardir - Nashville Predators
“Pilot to Bombardir, drop your load!”


Bite me,
JK

Saturday, September 24, 2005

J. K. Sockey Hires Audio Correspondent


JKSockey.com correspondent Tommy Bossetti


As I sat in my front row seat at the blueline for the Thrashers first preseason game on Thursday, I noticed something strange across the ice. Popping up from behind the boards was a man with hair like Ric Flair and dressed like he had escaped from a mental hospital.


He would press his face against the glass for a few seconds before ducking back behind the dasher hoping he had not been noticed. This man, who I ran into in the bowels of Philips Arena following the game on Thursday night is Tommy Bossetti.

Known to Valley Forge Minutemen hockey fans in Oaks, PA as one-time Zamboni operator "Crazy Tommy," the flamboyant driver of the cumbersome ice-smoothing machine had for years created a fervor by high-fiving the crowd as he made his laps. Citing insurance concerns, rink management in 2004 ordered Bossetti to stop high-fiving and suspended him for three games. But upon his return, the crowd was expecting “Crazy Tommy’s” outstretched arm and thrust their hands in his path anyway, Bossetti said. He argued that the continued high-fiving which resulted in his suspension was purely self-defense. The ice rink did not sympathize and he was fired. While the dismissal order accused Bossetti of repeated safety violations, including driving the Zamboni while on medication, the order makes no mention of Bossetti's antagonistic history with management. In his 14 years there, Bossetti had initiated a bevy of complaints and lawsuits on behalf of himself and other employees.

Before this last dismissal, Bossetti had been fired seven times: once in 1995, five times in 1996, and once in 1999. Once a budding physicist, he has at times been homeless due to unemployment. Yet, repeatedly, he had fought his way back, ultimately working up to the position of ice specialist, which paid $8 an hour. Not only has he lost that income, but also the retirement benefits.

For the time being, he is working as an assistant with a local roller rink. The salary doesn't compare with his previous one, but "Daaii, it's enough to keep me going," he says. Bossetti seems happy in his new environment. But, he says, all he wants to do is get back on the ice.

"Daaaii, I know people will laugh, but I still maintain uuuh, I'm worth two goals a game," Bossetti said. "I consider myself an integral part of that work envi- daaaii... environ-daaaai… ice rink!"

Their loss is our gain, as Tommy will be making pre-game, post-game, and in-game call-ins from around the country.

Bite me,
JK

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

St. Louis GM, "Tkachuk's a fatty!"


Everyone knows that Keith Tkachuk was suspended by the Blues last week, but J.K. Sockey has obtained strong evidence that the former All-Star did in fact report to camp a hair over his normal playing weight, listed as 231 pounds in the Blues' 2003-04 media guide.

Blues officials declined to say whether Tkachuk -- the highest-paid player on the Blues this season at $7.6 million (US) - would be paid during his suspension, but said Saturday that the 33 year-old winger will not rejoin the team until he passes his physical, which means until he drops an unspecified amount of weight (approximately 80lbs. b
ased on the documents obtained exclusively by J.K. Sockey).

The NHLPA has filed a grievance on behalf Tkachuk, who was refused to comment saying only, “C’mon, stop calling. I’m trying to eat dinner.”



Keith Tkachuk (r) posed for this picture shortly after arriving at Blues training camp.


Check back for JK's MaleBag™ coming next week...
E-mail your questions, thoughts, and comments to jksockey@yahoo.com

Bite me,
JK

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's hard to type without hands.

Current mood: roused

Current tunes:
Moulin Rouge soundtrack

Hello person and welcome to my blog. I am the most informed gender-ambiguous/androgynous sock puppet covering the hockey world today!
Though there are millions of Thrasher fans out there, and this blog will no doubt crash from time to time, I will do my best to keep this a free service!

This is the place to come for all of the latest information on the Atlanta Thrashers. I will update my site as breaking news warrants, and will also provide you with stories on my personal hockey experiences, written game recaps, audio clips from myself (as well as my many friends in the hockey community), and ANY opportunity to self-promote myself in any way!

With my knowledge and contacts in and around the hockey world, I am considered “The Source” for information about hockey. During the 2000-2001 season I was the first person to report that Thrasher defenseman Yannick Tremblay would be leaving the team. Tremblay averaged 19:27 minutes of ice time per game, registered 117 hits and 91 blocked shots in 1999-2000, and led all team defensemen with ten goals, 21 assists and 31 points. While posting on an online forum, I broke the news that it was just a matter of time and that Tremblay’s days as a Thrasher were numbered. Just over 1460 days later, training camp has opened in Atlanta and Yannick Tremblay is nowhere to be found!

Obviously with my inside contacts within the organization I continue to provide you with breaking news from behind the scenes and within the Thrasher organization. Feel free to email me at
jksockey@yahoo.com with questions, comments, or ideas!

Bite me,
JK