Like John Kincade, only I know what the fuck I'm talking about!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Will You Sign My Qweerbook?

Current mood: Reproachful

Current tunes:
The Yearbook Song - Spitalfield

Hey, hey, hey, Thrasher fan! JK had the UPS man drop off the copy of the 2005-2006 Atlanta Thrashers Yearbook at his drawer this morning. Now that I have had a moment to flip thought it a few times, I thought I would graciously give you my review.

The cover is as boring as a Tuesday night game against the Mighty Ducks.

It features the same two pictures of “Marvelous” Marian Hossa and Ilya that we have seen on eight or ten covers of the Winger game night program this year. Opening it up, I noticed the newest feature of the yearbook, thirty pages of ads! Dazzling, I can never see that stupid, “Sony: You’ll never go back to regular TV”© commercial on Turner South enough. Also, stealing a page from Cosmopolitan, the idiotic editors are making me flip through half of the rag before I got to the meat of the program. Note to the editors: Bite Me!

As far as the pictures go, the fake snow deal is as foolhardy as the Blueland slogan. I realize that most Thrasher fans are not actually hockey fans, but even if you accidentally saw a NY Ranger game 2 years ago, you know their slogan was Blueland. Is this just another example of the South being a few years behind the North? I’ll let you decide. I thought they should go with the whole “Thrasherville” thing, but I believe the powers that be are nervous about the fact that “Thrasherville” was stolen from a certain loudmouthed midget who had established a webpage by that name and also uses that moniker on several online hockey forums. Maybe they should have stuck with “Hockey Love” as the fans seemed to identify with the mental retarded radio ads featuring former dead end, drugged out comic Mitch Hedberg. Hedberg gave up comedy AND breathing October 12th 2004. Seems he could not live without hockey. Note to the Marketing Department: It’s called creativity, find some... then Bite Me!

The first picture that caught my eye is on page six. It answers the question everyone who’s listened to the Thrasher post-game show this year has been wondering.
“Are they in love?” The look in the NHL’s softest six foot six inch defensemen’s eyes screams; “I love having your mic so close to my mouth!!” Page eight includes a picture of Kari Lehtonen, but the thought bubble “How do I get this smelly freak away from me?” is missing. There is also a nice picture of Kovalchuk doing his best Dany Heatley imitation. I think that is what the captions say, it’s soooo damn easy to read white type on a silver background. Note to the editors: What were you thinking?

Sure you have some interesting write-ups on the players, but where is all of the personal info that the stalkers are looking for? Who cares what their teammates think about them, I want to know important facts! What’s Nic Havelid’s favorite color? Does Bonzai like kittens? Who’s married? Who’s single? Did Savvy’s wife leave him because he plays for the pink team? Bunnies everywhere have to know! No home numbers or addresses? How is the “Million Year Old Mom” going to know who likes cheesecake? Also, why waste space on the owners? Not that we give two turds about them, but talk about creative writing, has anyone Googled “Ed Peskowitz journalist”? HA! The only thing that mentions those three words together are the UGC, Hawks & Thrasher websites. If that walrus look-a-like is a journalist, I’m the fucking Bill Shakespeare of bloggers! Why doesn’t it tell me what the J in J. Rutherford Seydel stand for? How HORRIBLY funny is his first name that he goes by Rutherford and what is his hat size? 12 ¾? 13? That thing effects the tides! You want me to re-write Beau Turner’s bio? “Beauregard Turner: Ted’s kid.” Also no mention of Levenson running the Caps and Bullets into the ground. Pages 88 & 89 would make Pravda proud. Note to Owners: Don’t let your ego’s get in the way of Thrasher success… oh, and eat me!

If this didn’t have such dreamy pictures of Petro & XLB in it, I’d send it back. Instead, I am going to go stick some pages together!

Bite me!


  • At 1:07 AM, Anonymous Smarter than you said…

    Are you serious? You probably got the yearbook for free and you are going to pick out the things you don't like about it and make fun of it? If you expect them to put the players personal information in there, then you are really as stupid as you look.

  • At 10:40 AM, Anonymous DW said…

    Funny stuff:
    "Have you Googled “Ed Peskowitz journalist”? followed by the condensed version of Bo Turner's bio, "You want me to re-write Beau Turner’s bio? “Beauregard Turner: Ted’s kid.”

  • At 5:43 PM, Blogger flerd_trandle said…

    That's not fake snow in those pictures, it's dandruff.


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