Like John Kincade, only I know what the fuck I'm talking about!

Sunday, April 30, 2006

DOs & DON'Ts

Current mood: sympathetic
Current tunes: Go Away - Gloria Estefan

They DO smile because they have to.

They DON'T want to autograph everything under the sun.

They DO sign because they are told they must.

They DON'T care that they are your favorite player.

They DO see your lips move when you talk.

They DON'T hear a word you say.

They DO think about slashing their wrists.

They DON'T want your t-shirt, CD, or good luck charm.

They DO find themselves amazed at how unsettling you are.

They DON'T want to give you a stick to take to your sick kid.

They DO get annoyed that you sell their things on Ebay.

They DON'T like your cheesecake.

They DO play a game where they evade you after practice.

They DON'T want to be bothered by you.

They DO laugh at you from the ice.

They DON'T think you are "funny ha-ha".

They DO tolerate you because they love their job.

They DON'T like you.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Ringy Dingy Dingy

Current mood: Libidinous

Current tunes:
Meet Me In St. Louis – Judy Garland

Isn't this picture just darling? What I wouldn't give to have this hairy little man hoisting ME up over his head!

My dear friend Marty St. Louis left a short message for moi before he and his team left for Ontario!

I don't know about you, but I am visibly excited! Suddenly I am over my depression about the hockey season ending, and I can't wait to hear what Little Marty has to say!

this is an audio post - click to play

Et voilà! Bite me,

Monday, April 17, 2006

Welcome to Booland!

Current mood: Bona Fide

Current tunes:
Washington Square – Chris Isaak

The UPS mans stopped by again today. When he asked me to sign for a package, I could not wait!! “Give it to me!” I squealed! Imagine my disappointment when he handed me an envelope from the Atlanta Spirit. I thought it was going to be a letter from team attorneys. Instead, I received a true collectors item: two full sheets of the soon to be useless Atlanta Thrashers Stanley Cup playoff tickets you see here. It got me thinking just what a travshamocracy it would be for the Thrashers to make the playoffs at the expense of two true hockey markets like Montreal and Tampa.

The first, and most obvious, reason would be that those two cities actually have people that realize hockey is being played at the moment. The Montreal Canadians, the most storied club in the history of the greatest sport since speed skating, has something in addition to all of their Stanley Cups: FANS! Passionate fans. They lead the entire NH of L in them. Averaging 20,555 per game. More than Hockeytown itself, more than center of the hockey universe in Lower Ontario, and even more than my beloved Philadelphia Flyers. Tampa is no slouch either. They're averaging 17,820 per contest.
You may recognize that number as being slightly higher than the true amount that attended the "sellout" at Philips Arena on Saturday for the most important home game in their history.

Then, there are Cups. The Thrashers fans use one to spit their 'baccy juice in to, meanwhile, the Habs and Lightning actually win the granddaddy of all spittoons. In the one hundred-fourteen years that the Stanley Cup has been awarded, these two storied hockey cities have won nearly twenty-five percent of the time.

There is no need to have another expansion team in the finals. Remember how boring the 1997 Finals were, with the two expansion teams of Florida and Colorado? What a snooze fest. That series was so boring, I almost fell asleep writing that last sentence. Do you even REMEMBER the 2003 Finals? New Jersey beat Anaheim that year, and we were forced to watch a boring team in ugly jerseys. Nobody wants that again, except for the two or three thousand fans wandering out to Philips Arena to cheer on the Thrashers. Wander on out tonight since most of your homes do not get PAX, and have your heart broken by Al Ovechkin and friends…

Bite Me!


Friday, April 14, 2006

Will You Sign My Qweerbook?

Current mood: Reproachful

Current tunes:
The Yearbook Song - Spitalfield

Hey, hey, hey, Thrasher fan! JK had the UPS man drop off the copy of the 2005-2006 Atlanta Thrashers Yearbook at his drawer this morning. Now that I have had a moment to flip thought it a few times, I thought I would graciously give you my review.

The cover is as boring as a Tuesday night game against the Mighty Ducks.

It features the same two pictures of “Marvelous” Marian Hossa and Ilya that we have seen on eight or ten covers of the Winger game night program this year. Opening it up, I noticed the newest feature of the yearbook, thirty pages of ads! Dazzling, I can never see that stupid, “Sony: You’ll never go back to regular TV”© commercial on Turner South enough. Also, stealing a page from Cosmopolitan, the idiotic editors are making me flip through half of the rag before I got to the meat of the program. Note to the editors: Bite Me!

As far as the pictures go, the fake snow deal is as foolhardy as the Blueland slogan. I realize that most Thrasher fans are not actually hockey fans, but even if you accidentally saw a NY Ranger game 2 years ago, you know their slogan was Blueland. Is this just another example of the South being a few years behind the North? I’ll let you decide. I thought they should go with the whole “Thrasherville” thing, but I believe the powers that be are nervous about the fact that “Thrasherville” was stolen from a certain loudmouthed midget who had established a webpage by that name and also uses that moniker on several online hockey forums. Maybe they should have stuck with “Hockey Love” as the fans seemed to identify with the mental retarded radio ads featuring former dead end, drugged out comic Mitch Hedberg. Hedberg gave up comedy AND breathing October 12th 2004. Seems he could not live without hockey. Note to the Marketing Department: It’s called creativity, find some... then Bite Me!

The first picture that caught my eye is on page six. It answers the question everyone who’s listened to the Thrasher post-game show this year has been wondering.
“Are they in love?” The look in the NHL’s softest six foot six inch defensemen’s eyes screams; “I love having your mic so close to my mouth!!” Page eight includes a picture of Kari Lehtonen, but the thought bubble “How do I get this smelly freak away from me?” is missing. There is also a nice picture of Kovalchuk doing his best Dany Heatley imitation. I think that is what the captions say, it’s soooo damn easy to read white type on a silver background. Note to the editors: What were you thinking?

Sure you have some interesting write-ups on the players, but where is all of the personal info that the stalkers are looking for? Who cares what their teammates think about them, I want to know important facts! What’s Nic Havelid’s favorite color? Does Bonzai like kittens? Who’s married? Who’s single? Did Savvy’s wife leave him because he plays for the pink team? Bunnies everywhere have to know! No home numbers or addresses? How is the “Million Year Old Mom” going to know who likes cheesecake? Also, why waste space on the owners? Not that we give two turds about them, but talk about creative writing, has anyone Googled “Ed Peskowitz journalist”? HA! The only thing that mentions those three words together are the UGC, Hawks & Thrasher websites. If that walrus look-a-like is a journalist, I’m the fucking Bill Shakespeare of bloggers! Why doesn’t it tell me what the J in J. Rutherford Seydel stand for? How HORRIBLY funny is his first name that he goes by Rutherford and what is his hat size? 12 ¾? 13? That thing effects the tides! You want me to re-write Beau Turner’s bio? “Beauregard Turner: Ted’s kid.” Also no mention of Levenson running the Caps and Bullets into the ground. Pages 88 & 89 would make Pravda proud. Note to Owners: Don’t let your ego’s get in the way of Thrasher success… oh, and eat me!

If this didn’t have such dreamy pictures of Petro & XLB in it, I’d send it back. Instead, I am going to go stick some pages together!

Bite me!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

It's Time To Pull The Plug!

Current mood: querulous

Current tunes:
Filipino Box Spring Hog- Tom Waits

Do not let this week’s win against the Panthers get your hopes up Thrasher fans. JK Sockey is here to assure you that you can spend that playoff ticket money on hotel and airfare to Vancouver for the NHL Draft. Do not count on your Thrashers to have a first round pick come draft day though…

Including the win in Miami, it seems fitting our beloved birds will spend three of their last eight games in Florida. After all, the Thrashers are the Terry Schiavo of the NHL. Technically they are alive, but in all reality they’ve been dead for quite awhile. This is the time of year when a true contender is not struggling to be competitive, playing inconsistant hockey, or facing must win games night in and night out. The playoffs started for the Thrashers following the Olympic break, they jumped out to a two games to none lead, but are now down three games to two and fighting for their lives. I say it's time to stop feeding your silly dreams and don't give any more sips of water to your delusions this year! Some of you nutters are clinging to the hope of making the playoffs. I personally don't want to spend a few hundred dollars to see this team embarrass themselves in the playoffs. A "four games and done" series against one of the top teams in the Eastern Conference would utterly deflate the city’s few fans.

Make any excuse you want about goaltending and losing streaks, but the fact of the matter is that Don Waddell is going to have one more off-season to get this team going in the right direction. I believe it was Mel (the cook on Alice) who once said, “The best defense is a good offense”. That may work on the way to your car after locking up the diner at 3am, but it is not the case in the NHL Playoffs. Come late spring a team needs a good defense and that’s something this team has not had in its short history. Although the team is handcuffed to Andy Sutton’s salary for another year, and have Braydon Coburn and Boris Valabik in the system, they must try to upgrade the blueline via trades or free agent signings this off-season. My sources are telling me that unless the Thrashers win big in the draft lottery and move up to a top 5 pick, you can expect “Dealer Don” to move the pick for a TRUE top 2 defenseman. Remember where you heard it!

Bite me,

Lightning To Strike Atlanta

Martin St. Louis

I am expecting a call from a Tampa Bay player sometime in the next week or so.

This diminutive forward was supposed to join me for a post game interview following Tampa's drubbing of the lowly Thrashers earlier in the season, but the Lightning were headed out of town quickly, and I was distracted by a half naked Vinny Prospal!

I was promised a phone call in early April.

Check back often as I will post it as soon as it arrives!

Bite me,