Like John Kincade, only I know what the fuck I'm talking about!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Decoding GM Speak

Thrasher General Manager Don Waddle recently took park in the AJC's "GIMME 5" segment. It's a short blurb across page two of the sports section where some lackie asks a sports personality, or in this case a legend, some questions. Nothing more than entertainment value, but Thrasher fans should take a keen interest in Dan Waddell's answers. As always, I thought it necessary to put GM speak into something that even a suck-diver like you could understand, and one of our better investigative sources completed the following translation:

The Question: What are the Thrashers' 5 biggest off-season priorities?

What you read:
1. Sign prospects from previous drafts. All teams have to come to terms with certain unsigned draft picks from previous years and have them under contract by June 1 (which we did), or those players would go back into this year's draft.

What he means:
I put this one up top since we're not doing anything the rest of the summer. Besides, always lead with a positive.

What you read:
2. Free agency. We have until July 1 to sign our own key free agents, and after that point teams are free to negotiate with all unrestricted free agents from around the league.

What he means:
We hope Andy Sutton is off the pipe by then and that Kozlov remembers how fucking cold
Detroit is in January (and what a shit hole it is pretty much year round). Those of you who think we're going to even make an offer to Tkachuk should join Sutton in rehab. BTW, did you notice I didn't say what we plan to do in free agency? Good, cause we aren't doing dick.

What you read:
3. NHL entry draft. We have year-round preparations for the draft, and on June 22-23 in Columbus, Ohio, we apply what we have scouted to select promising young players and continue building our assets for the future.

What he means:
If I can find a bar in
Cowtown U.S.A., I should be loaded by noon Friday. I'll try to sober up by the third round on Saturday afternoon for our first pick. Do you think they have strippers or is that where the term Cowtown comes from?

What you read:
4. Grow the game. We continue to grow our fan base as we look ahead to raising the Southeast Division championship banner on opening night and showcasing the upcoming 2008 NHL All-Star Game being held in Atlanta. We will also continue to be active in the community, involved with our grassroots programs and connected with our fans.

What he means:
Until the ownership situation works itself out, we're not going to be spending a ton of money. We're hoping to distract you with a banner and the All-Star game.
Did you see the logo? That's a huge swoosh!

What you read:
5. Prepare for player camps. We have a prospect camp held at our practice facility in Duluth in July (6-16) and a rookie tournament we participate in September in Traverse City, Mich., which leads directly into the opening of training camp.

What he means:
My preparation involves getting a restraining order taken out on a certain '
fan' of Chad Denny's. That is second only to figuring out if there are any new additions to the menu at Headlines grill. I'm really hoping for cheese fries.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hockey In Atlanta


JK Sockey has the cure for your hockey DT's.  Rowdy Thrasher hockey fans AND hockey players the Nasty Nest will be playing Thursday (vs. Mighty Lemmings) and Sunday (vs. Thrashers) at the Marietta Ice Center.


THE THRASHERS?!?!?!!?  They are going to get killed!  I am not sure that should even be allowed, but I AM going to get to see J.P. Vigier so I will be there right after the late Mass at Holy Family Catholic Church just down the road.

Until I see you Sunday, stuff a sock in it!


Saturday, June 16, 2007

Take The Blue Out Of Blueland??

The millions of you that read my blog and listen to my pod casts know that I call them as I see them. If you have seen my entry into the Thrasher’s Unleash The Fury Contest you know that I am straight shooter. Show up, play hard, execute; and they’ll get all of the praise in the world from me. Do something stupid, like when Granite Exlby chases somebody out to the neutral zone or when Ilya passes the puck to Shane Hnidy, I will call them out for it. I am not afraid to name names, as long as I can pronounce them. Off ice is not necessarily a safe haven either. Just ask the pumpkin headed guy that sits in front of me at home games or the owner that ran the Capitals into the ground.

Every now and then I will rant about Derwin Elliot’s behavior on the post-game show. He has seen as many games as any of us fans, but to go up to the Bank Of America Club and listen to him, you’d never know a Thrasher has ever played a poor game. Hearing him defend a player’s God-awful performance you would think he knows nothing about the sport. He has sold his credibility to become a shill for his employer. I realize he has to sit on a plane with the team every now and then, but I also realize that if he were working for any other team, he’d have no problem pointing out that Andy Sutton is a human Yield sign and NOT an NHL caliber defenseman. When you are afraid to give your honest opinion or change it because of who is handing you cash, you become an acquiescent twit, a whore of sorts, and the Atlanta Spirit is the pimp who’s backhand you recoil from. Is that what the Spirit wants? Pusillanimous pantywaists to kiss daddy’s rings and tell him how wonderful he is? If so, get out of Elliot’s path; he is going to push and shove his way to the front of that line!

What’s really unbelievable is that he will HAVE to push and shove to get past other sellouts. Which brings me to the Blueland Bogger. This web guy does not appear to have been much of a fan prior to landing a job as the team blogger, and it's obvious that the Atlanta Spirit do not do background checks on prospective hires. While researching my most recent post I hunted the web for opinions on the Thrashers’ Blueland jersey, and stumbled upon a real gem.

Obviously this was written BEFORE they hired him to to give their opinions.
Seems the author of the Atlanta Thrashers OFFICIAL web blog isn't even a fan of the team!! He doesn’t like the logo, doesn’t like the color, doesn’t like the asymmetrical sleeves. He describes the Thrasher jersey as “an ugly sweater” and “a first class stinker”, then shows his Canadian bias (and lack of style) by contrasting it with the “good work” of the Calgary Flaming Donkeys, Edmonton Spaceships, and every Toronto professional team.

I bet if this jersey belonged to a Canadian team, he would consider it a masterpiece as well.

This site also lends insight into his Ottawa leanings and his queer Mik-maq-man crush on Chad Denny. As good as my sources are they have not been able to verify that this is not his bedroom:

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The 100 Days Of No Hockey

Hello hockey fans! It is I, JK! Just like Marial Hossa and Slaba Kozlov I was pretty quiet during the playoffs. I hope you all missed me as much as I have missed you! Just like that nerd in elementary school, I cannot wait for summer to end! I have spent the off season working on my tan here in Kanye West, FL, but I am already looking forward to getting back to Atlanta for hockey season and for PodCast season!

While I am away, there are plenty of things going on to help you fight off hockey withdrawal. Posters over at the Nasty Nest have formed a their own hockey team and are playing in the Atlanta Amateur Hockey League. Many of the regulars over at the Smirkin Chicken also play in several of the AAHL's leagues. Why aren't YOU playing? There are several opportunities from advanced to recreational leagues to learn to skate classes and skills classes, including one bearing the name of my uni-browed puppet master:

For the decidedly bored, the draft is only a week away! Are you going to make the trek to the thriving metropolis of Columbus, OH to see it live and in person? If not, you will be delighted to know that the Thrashers are having a ostentatious party on Friday June 22nd to celebrate the fact that they do not have a first round pick! The shindig will be conveniently held at Jillians in Lawrenceville at the intersection of Lame & Contrived.

Speaking of lame, since the Thrasher third jersey was introduced, there have been a lot of comments both positive and negative. Hockey Rants takes a couple of shots at the True Blue threads. Well, you know that if there is an expert on laundry in this city, it is me. I am not being paid to say this; I simply love them! When it was announced that the team would be getting a third jersey, I feared it would be something hideous like the BlueJacket's bug, or the Calgary's flaming donkey (sounds like a great name for a bar). Everything from the Atlanta down the sleeve to the webbing under the arms screams FABULOUS! You know you are on to something when your ideas are stolen by others (kinda like my PodCasts).

Even though I have been resting quite a bit, I have also been coming up with all kinds of new ideas for the Blueland Bogger to steal (if he still has a job come October). If you have checked the official website and check out the staff listings, you will notice some names missing this summer. There have been shake-ups galore at Atlanta Spirit, LLC that may explain why I have not been able to get in touch with my source in the Thrashers Media Relations Department but I do have some bad news for Atlanta's favorite midget at the Smirkin Chicken. When little Thrasherville is not busy posing for trophy's he spends his time daydreaming about Mary Moran… Not HER!!

I mean, according to "D. Camel" a JK Sockey Thrasher Insider, the recently unemployed Mary Moran:

Sorry Thrasherville, the whole pouty, sultry, mysterious look does nothing for me. 

If you ask me they seem to have missed somebody. As I have suspected all along, there is a turncoat in Blueland! Stay tuned for my investigative report…

Until then, stuff a sock in it!