Like John Kincade, only I know what the fuck I'm talking about!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Make It Five (Pt. 2): The Edmonton Oilers

Earlier in July I blogged about the “Make It Seven” gimmick perpetrated by Jim Basillie and instead started the Sockey On Hockey “Make It Five” campaign. The goal of this entire series is to explain why it would actually make more sense to move at least one more of the Canadian teams into the United States. I started out with the hapless Toronto Maple Leafs, and since I am knocking off paper giants, this week I‘ll convince you that the NHL should move the Oilers from the capital of Alberta to the capital of Texas! That’s right, bring back the Houston Oilers!

The change of scenery won’t be tough on the few players that might be partial to Alberta. Both places have rich oil reserves, expansive cattle ranches, wide open spaces, and nut-ball conservative politics. Albertans probably secretly wish they WERE Texans! The only thing Texas lacks is an ample supply of out of shape, out of work, alabaster-skinned Canadians!

The fact that Houston has more oil than the entire providence of Alberta makes moving the Oilers to Tejas a no-brainer; the name alone could fill even the old Astrodome with southern hockey fans. Opening night could be played in front of 69,500 fans at Reliant Stadium and Earl Campbell would be there to drop the first puck. The team has an instant rival in the Dallas Stars, the most successful southern hockey teams of all time.

Even “The Great (Canadian) One” Wayne Gretzky took the opportunity to leave the barren prairie in the late 80's and headed someplace where the only thing hotter than the women is the weather. He simply blazed a trail that was eventually followed by the likes of Jari Kurri, Todd Marchant, Chris Pronger, and every Smith/Smyth that’s ever played for the team.

With the team in money saving mode the team jerseys can remain the same for the first year before changing to the famous red, white, and Columbia blue of the old NFL days and ensuring a second straight year of record jersey sales! Ca-ching! By 2012 the team is ready to actually spend the money to once again become enticing to top tier players. Soon the franchise can return to respectability, and bring back the glory of Oiler teams from years (and years and years) gone by.

Makes perfect sense to me! Make it happen! Make it five!

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Friday, July 10, 2009

Make It Five (Pt. 1): The Toronto Maple Leafs

Earlier this month I blogged about the “Make It Seven” gimmick perpetrated by Jim Basillie and pledged to counter it with my own “Make It Five” campaign. Starting this week, I will outline why it would actually make more sense to move more of the Canadian teams into the United States. We will begin by outlining the reasons why the Toronto Maple Leafs are the most plausible choice to be relocated.

The Toronto Make Me Laughs are considered to be the most storied franchise in hockey history. Just ask their fans, the Leaf Nation. If they believe that Toronto still deserves an NHL hockey team, they may want to consider calling themselves “Disbelief Nation”. Most of Toronto’s glory years -- no ALL of Toronto’s glory years -- occurred prior to the 1967 league expansion that diluted the talent pool. The last time the Leafs won the Cup, people were listening to games on transistor radios or watching on black and white television! Man had not stepped foot on the moon, phones had cords, milk was delivered in glass bottles, and the computer you are reading this on would have been the size of a two car garage!

After making their last Stanley Cup Finals appearance in 1967 and with the league doubling in size from 6 to 12 teams, the Leafs had some of their best seasons in the early 1970’s. Following that came a fork in the road where expectations and reality went opposite directions for 20 years. The last notable mention of the “Maple Leafs” and “Stanley Cup Finals” in the same sentence occurred in 1993 when
Wayne Gretzky’s hat-trick meant that, “The Toronto Maple Leafs won’t be going to the Stanley Cup Finals.”

Having not made the playoffs since the 2003-04 season, what have they done to address this situation? They hired Brian Burke as GM., an AMERICAN! The fact of the matter is that the Toronto Maple Leafs are an embarrassment to the country where hockey was born! They should not be relocated from Canada, they should be chased out by an angry mob! What city knows angry mobs better than Birmingham, Alabama (Detroit & LA already have teams)? The silver maple is actually the Alabama State Tree, only there is a noose hanging from it.

With hockey’s successful expansion into the southern United States (thanks to Mike Modano and the Dallas Stars), now is the perfect time to move the Maple Leafs from the capital of Canada to the capital of the South: Alabama.

I would then put the new ALABAMA MAPLE LEAFS in the Southeast Division with such stiff competition as the Carolina Hurricanes, Tampa Bay Lightning, Washington Capitals, and Florida Panthers.

Don’t laugh! Each of these teams have more Stanley Cup Finals appearances in the last 40 years than Toronto. Even the lowly Atlanta Thrashers have been to the playoffs since the lockout, a feat unmatched by the historic franchise from Toronto.

Makes perfect sense to me! Make it happen! Make it five!


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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Make It Five!

Recently Jim "Bullet-Head" Balsillie (pronounced: bahls-SILLY) attempted to move the Phoenix Coyotes to Canada. The trillionaire blackberry farmer had planned to purchase the most successful NHL team in Arizona history and move it to Hamilton, a suburb of Buffalo. In grand marketing fashion Ballsilly even came up with a catchy slogan for his grand scheme of cashing in on the weak exchange rate, "Make It Seven" (MI7). No, this does not refer to how many trillions he has in the bank, but to bringing a seventh team to the salmon rich American colony to the north. The MI7 campaign was appealing to all of the providences of Canada! I mean, Canada is basically the birthplace of the sport (and by ‘birthplace’ I mean brought over from Scotland in the form of shinty)!

"Make It Seven"-day took place on June 19th in Hamilton. Unfortunately, Ballsilly could not make it to the rally that he organized, and apparently neither could 300 people. It doesn’t take a zillionaire to produce such a lack of success, I have decided I can match it! The MI7 rally has spurred me on to doing what I do best, steal and idea and make it better! Over the next several weeks I will be kicking off the online campaign on my blog as well as contacting NHL Commissar Gary Bentman regarding a renewed push to grow the sport (in the country that financially supports the league) by relocating one of the Canadian teams to a deserving city here in the United States!


Next week: Why the Leafs should be moved to Birmingham, Alabama!

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